Letters
by albe-chan
Summary: When James goes away and has to leave Lily, the only way they can communicate is through letters. In a time of war and strife, will their love last, or crumble like so much ruin? JPLE. Mildly Mature, rating is just for some coarser humour and innuendo.
1. Prologue

**Letters**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**Author's Note: **don't worry; I'm not abandoning NaC…just branching out. I need to take a bit of a breath from that. I need to DABBLE PEOPLE!! All right, so here it is. Hope you like-e. Cheers.

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Prologue 

Lily Evans looked up at her boyfriend of the last six months, not wanting to let go of him. She looked up at the man she was madly in love with, tears sparkling unshed in her eyes, wishing for the thousandth time that minute that he didn't have to leave her. It was not fair in the slightest.

"Stay" she whispered hoarsely into his shirt, her fingers toying absently with the collar.

His arms tightened around her, his sigh making her hair flutter into flames in the morning sunshine.

James Potter never wanted the moment to end. He would be perfectly content to just live out the rest of his life with Lily in his arms, and never have to say goodbye to her. Just the feeling of her in his arms, her heart beating endlessly against his was making him second-guess his decision. He let his fingers wander down her spine, making her shiver deliciously.

"I wish I could" he replied softly back.

Green eyes (though that was an understatement of their beauty), the same ones that had haunted his dreams of late, and held him captivated since the age of fourteen, looked up at him. The tears he found there only increasing their allure. Fuck.

He wiped away a salty trail of moisture as the tears finally spilled over her flawless cheeks. Merlin, he loved her…

He hated that he had to leave. Hated that she couldn't come with him even more. And all because of Lord Voldemort's rise to power across the continent.

He would be going with his best friend since the age of eleven, and former school-mate, Sirius Black, and two other Aurors-in-Training, along with the rather infamous Auror, Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody, to attempt to stop Death Eaters from recruiting and wreaking too much havoc abroad.

He had no idea where he was going, nor did the other Trainees, which was frustrating to say the least. They had all simply been told not to ask questions and be happy they were going. So they didn't. And they were. It was a plum assignment for any Auror, but as Trainees, it would be one of the best chances to prove themselves. It was hard though…

They were standing alone, at the end of the Potter's long winding driveway and were waiting to Sirius to show up, so he and James could leave together.

"Promise me you'll come back," Lily said, winding her arms around his neck. Merlin, she never wanted to let go. She wondered absently what would happen if she didn't…

A smile hovered over James' lips. "That," he replied, "you don't have to worry about. I'll be back before you notice I'm gone." He kissed her once, twice, and a very passionate three times, feeling her melt into him.

Just as he was coaxing her mouth open to slide his tongue in, they were interrupted by a rather loud _CRACK!_ of someone Apparating next to them, as a familiar voice said lazily, "Alright, enough snogging. Prongs, we have to go like two minutes ago."

Lily pulled away, fresh tears pooling in her eyes. She tried to blink them back. "Be safe," she whispered to James. Then, turning to Sirius, she added, "And give 'em hell."

Sirius pretended to look shocked. "Merlin's pants! Did Lily Evans just…_swear_?"

"Stranger things have happened," said James.

"Black is proof enough of that" Lily retorted promptly. Laughter rang out through the morning air, still quiet. It was early. "You'll write me?" Lily asked, as James made ready to leave.

"As often as possible. Every day" he amended at her glare.

"All right then." She kissed James once more as Sirius tapped his foot impatiently.

"Coming, coming, don't get your knickers in a twist." Sirius rolled his eyes and kept tapping. Then, once they were ready, they smiled one last time at Lily, and in a swirl of Cloak, turned on the spot and Disapparated.

Lily covered her face with her hands as sobs wracked her body. He was really gone…

The morning sun shone on, oblivious.

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**Author's Note: **so this is just the prologue, hopefully the chapters will be a bit longer. I know where I want this to go (OMG) and so it shouldn't be long until the next update. Hope you all enjoyed.

Love and cheers!


	2. Chapter One

**Letters**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**Author's Note: **so I am back with another update for this. Like I said, I have it all planned out, so expect the updates to be on the quick side. However, the chapters will be rather short, so I guess it balances. Anyhow, here you all go.

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Chapter One 

Dear Lily,

I miss you. I don't know how else to say it, but there it is. I miss you, I miss you, and I miss you. Do you miss me? Wait, why am I asking, I'm sure you do. You'd be mad not to…

Sorry it's taken me so bloody long to write, but Moody's had us tramping over every inch of Europe, and there's barely been time to sleep let alone actually sit and write to you. Thankfully you aren't here to glare at me for it, though. Though now I actually think on it, I would rather you be here and glaring than not here and not glaring.

I wish I could tell you where we are. Moody has forbidden it, however. Bloody git. I expect he's reading this now, and he certainly is keeping a rather close eye on me from across the fire. You don't think he bats for the other team, do you? That he'll try to sodomize me in my sleep?

Anyway, like I was saying, I can't tell you where we are. I can't even give you a hint (Moody already told Padfoot no…he's writing to Mooney now and looks rather cross…), so I guess I'll just have to describe it. It's gorgeous Lils. There are forests everywhere, and loads and loads of trees. More trees than I thought could exist in one place. It's mad. And there are these lovely, great big mountains (they remind me of other mountains I am familiar with). Well, at least these mountains are lovely to look at until Moody tells us we have to climb up them. _Muggle_ _fashion_ at that. Terrible it is, abso-bloody-lutely terrible. And the sky is blue all the time. Not the nasty grey that seems to lay over London, but clear and bright and _refreshing_. I wish you were here to see it.

How is everything and everyone back home? Keeping busy I expect, with the Order and all. Although I don't think I should write too much about Order business. Just in case this is intercepted. I'm rolling my eyes here, although you cannot see them, because Moody spent almost an hour telling us what could happen if a letter is intercepted. Suffice it to say our careers at the Ministry would be done, as our cover would be blown.

If you can't say much about what you lot are doing there, then I won't ask you, but even the littlest drop of news is news. I want all the gory details, right down to what colour robes Minnie wore to the last Meeting. Oops, I said that aloud and now Moody is glaring. You don't think he fancies her, do you?

Oh, I forgot to mention that…

LILY, THIS IS PADFOOT. TELL JAMES HE IS A GREAT BIG WANKER SO HE'LL FINALLY BELIEVE IT. WE'VE TRIED AND SO FAR, NOTHING'S WORKED. LOVE, SIRIUS.

Sorry about that. Padfoot stole my parchment, wrote that and now I can't get rid of it. I'm not a giant wanker am I love? Even if I were you would never say so, right? Right?? Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh yes…

I forgot to mention that I'm not sure if we're moving on, but if you just send your reply back with the same owl, then I'm sure he should find us. He belongs to Moody, so he must be all right for that sort of thing.

I still miss you.

Oh, and if you see Remus (before Padfoot's letter gets to him or unless Padfoot forgot to say it) tell him we know we missed it, and we're sorry, but Pete was there, and we know he can handle it. Don't worry, he'll understand. And if he doesn't, then he's been lying to us about being clever all these years.

Speaking of clever, tell my mum if you see her NOT TO GO IN MY BEDROOM! It is of the gravest and most important…important-ness. (What would be a good word here, love?) But seriously, just…let her read this bit of the letter if she doesn't believe you. Though I can't see why she wouldn't…she loves you. (And what's not to love?)

Well, it's getting dark, and Moody's creepy not-real eye is glaring hard at me, so I suppose I should wrap this up. I expect a response from you within the week, and if I don't receive one, I shall fear the worst. Be safe, and don't do anything I would do.

Lots of love,

Missing you immensely,

James.

P.S. – Padfoot insists I am a wanker. Tell him he's wrong!!

P.P.S. – I don't like sleeping without you. It feels odd… And I still miss you.


	3. Chapter Two

**Letters**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**Author's Note: **so I am back with another update for this. Like I said, I have it all planned out, so expect the updates to be on the quick side. However, the chapters will be rather short, so I guess it balances. Anyhow, here you all go. Oh, and by the way, James and Lils have a flat together in London. That should explain things. But they just live together…for now XD

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Chapter Two 

Dear James,

YOU STUPID, STUPID WANKER! Yes, I am agreeing with Black, because I am so angry with you. How dare you not send me a letter for an ENTIRE WEEK?!? If I knew where you were, you would be a dead man Potter.

Yes, I miss you. I miss you more than mere words could describe. I think about you almost every waking minute (and a good portion of the non-waking ones) and I hope this letter finds you well. Especially since I owe you the hexing of your life for not writing me, and I would hate not get the pleasure of it. Are you sure you miss me that much? I can be awful at times, I know…

I can still glare at you. I am doing it now. Glare, glare, glare.

Tramping over every inch of Europe. I highly doubt that. The statement itself sounds hyperbolic to the extreme. And no, I do NOT think Moody 'bats for the other team' as you so eloquently put it. He just doesn't trust you, and for good reason might I add. You and Sirius do not exactly scream: I AM TRUSTWORTHY!! Unless of course you _actually_ scream it; then of course you do. And I doubt he will try to sodomize you. For one, he works for the Ministry. Two, he would pick Black over you any day. He strikes me as the kind of bloke who would go for the pretty boy first. No offence.

Well, I suppose if you can't tell me where you are, you had better not do it, because I don't want you to come home in bits after Moody is done with you. Of course there are trees, love, you're not in the city anymore. It's called _wilderness_. And you are not allowed to make vague references to my mountains. And if you must, at least call them breasts. Besides, they're hardly substantial enough to classify as mountains. I am laughing at the thought of you and Black climbing mountains. You are priceless. It does sound beautiful there, however. I suspect your somewhere near Switzerland by the sound of it, and I certainly wish I was there. And why aren't you writing Remus as well? Or is there something going on between your two best friend I have yet to hear about? (Note my sarcasm there).

Everything back here is woefully the same. It's quite tedious. I haven't seen anyone since the last meeting, and I'm going crazy. I've cleaned the flat three times out of sheer boredom. The Order is the same. We talk in circles, and nothing really seems to get done. Unless, of course, Dumbledore is there. Then everyone is reporting all the lovely progress we've made. And don't worry; your letter wasn't intercepted. Obviously.

"All the gory details?" James, have you been reading my books again? And McGonagall (do try to show some modicum of respect, she _was_ our teacher) was wearing green robes. The ones with the nice shiny brooch over her throat, I believe. There really aren't even drops of news. I think I just need to get out more. And I doubt Moody fancies McGonagall. Then again, stranger things have happened (I am making reference to the fact we actually got together here).

I am laughing at Padfoot. He's a doll. Tell him this from me.

You are, I will, and wrong. I have said before and I shall say again. James Potter is a wanker. But I love him all the more for it. Tell Black he should try it, and maybe he will have a steady girlfriend for once.

I will send this with the owl. He's cute. Does he have a name?

I miss you too James. However much you irk me, I miss you too.

I shall give Remus your message as soon as I see him. I didn't spot him at the last meeting, but Peter was there. He didn't mention anything, but he looked a little upset. Could this possibly be related? And furthermore, what is all this secretive rubbish about? I demand to know. Now. And Remus doesn't have to lie about his intelligence. He's as smart as they come (after me of course).

I did actually speak to your mum the other day. She misses you and sends her love. Oh, and when I mentioned her not going in your room, she laughed and said she already knew about the magazines under your mattress. My eyebrows are raised and I am looking sternly at you. Very sternly. And a good word would be importance. Which I think is what you were going for. And of course your mum loves me. Everyone does.

Only two pages of letter, James I am offended. You are a wizard are you not? This is why someone invented _Lumos_ for you: to light up the dark. How can Moody have a not-real eye? It's either really and eye or it really isn't. Confound you, man; you confuse the sanity out of me. And there is no need to fear the worst. I, unlike you, write letters promptly, have them sent off as soon as they are written, and don't anger the people to whom I'm writing. However, your advice to me is sound, so you can't be completely daft, I suppose. You had better be safe as well; it will be such a bother to have to find a new boyfriend. (Only kidding, I want you to be safe.)

Wishing you were here,

All my love,

Lily

P.S. – You are a wanker. I've said so at least twice. But Black is too, so you can be wankers together and live in peace.

P.P.S – It was weird without you with me, too. I miss you, James. Come home soon and sleep in bed with me. Amongst other things… (I am grinning cheekily.) Hugs and kisses and all the best.

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**Author's Note:** alright, so I DON'T know what the problem is, but it's not letting me update anything…so…that is bollocks. Hopefully it will be fixed soon. Cheers.


	4. Chapter Three

**Letters**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**Author's Note: **I hate you insomnia. With a passion more intense than the heat of a thousand burning suns. It's almost 6am here and I'm fucking TIRED. But as my brain is nagging, I am up writing this instead. Hope you all bloody well love it. Cheers.

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Chapter Three 

Dearest Lily-kins (I'm branching out),

Lily, I never thought the day would come. Do you _want_ me to get ragged on for the rest of this mission…quest…thing? I thought not. Take it back…now! I told you it wasn't my fault, what else do you _want_ woman? Merlin… And I am exceedingly glad you don't know where I am now, because I do not want to be a dead man. Besides, how would you dispose of the body?

Aww, I knew you couldn't stay mad for long. Every waking minute eh? Well that's comforting, but you sound a bit like a stalker, love. It is a little disconcerting. As for those non-waking thoughts, I hope you enjoy them. According to our faithful guide, Mr. Moody, we shan't be coming back for ages and ages (he mentioned the word months a couple times), which is absolute bollocks. Ooh, hexing me? Is it going to be one of those sexy hexes, where you actually just Vanish all my clothing? I hope so.

And of course I miss you that much. More even. To coin a phrase, I miss you more than mere words could ever express. And the only times you're awful is when you're shouting at me, which happens much less frequently now we're shagging might I add. Not that we've been able to lately. Obviously.

Don't glare at me Lily. You'll get wrinkles, and that's just not a good look for you. Smile instead, and think of all the lovely things you want to do to me when I get home. (I am giggling here.)

Hyperbolic? Me? Why…NEVER!! We tramped over every last patch of ground in this wretched land, and I have the memories to prove it. Hah. And how do you know Moody doesn't bat for the other team? Lils, is there something you're not telling me? I should hope not. Then I might have to go on a Murderous Rampage. Which leaves messy explanations. What's this toss about Sirius and I not being trustworthy? We are so. Ask Mooney if you don't believe us. Would _he_ lie to you? Of course not. Hmm…your arguments on the sodomy front look quite convincing. Except for the part where you said Pads was prettier. This is rubbish, darling. I am _far prettier_.

Come home in bits? Lily, I am shocked an appalled at your sadistic imagination. You have been spending far too much time around us. And what's this wilderness you speak of? Do they have beds there? I hope so.

_Your_ mountains? Your lovely, round, perky breasts? Why ever would I mention them vaguely? Were I to mention them at all, I would go on in great detail about their size and shape and texture…and the way they look when you come out of the shower… Now look, you've got me all sidetracked. I was talking about the ones around Hogwarts. The ones I looked at just about every morning for seven years. Mind out of the gutter, love. (Unless you feel like talking dirty to me. Then by all means, gutter-mind me.)

You laugh at me? Whatever have I done to receive such harsh punishment? Risking life and limb to save the country and you laugh. OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! Padfoot agrees. And of course I am priceless, I am one of a kind. Switzerland? Oh! They have those lovely mountains Muggles like to _ski_ on, no? And cheese? I say, where is my Switzerland cheese?? But seriously, I wish you were here as well. It's terribly dreadful without you. And I have to put up with Padfoot all day. I never really noticed it, but…he can be rather annoying. (He just threw his dirty socks at me; tell him to stop!)

I'm not writing Remus, because I can speak to him through you, and Padfoot was doing it. We are taking it in turns. I wrote to Peter last week, and he wrote to Remus. Now, I am writing to Remus. After you, of course. As for the sordid affair of Mooney and Pads, I asked him, and he merely glared. Then he got rather flustered when I pressed him about it. I will investigate further, and you must grill Remus when you see him. If they are dating and never told me, I will be Angry.

Oh, you were being sarcastic… Well, look into it anyway.

Woefully the same? How dismal. And yes, I agree, you must get out and see more people. As long as they are all women, and none of them hit on you. And cleaning the flat, what a dear you are. Normally I would say something about this being a good skill to have, but as I don't want to get shouted at next letter, I shan't, for you. How much do you love me now? Oh the Order sounds the same. Good old Dumbles to shake the lot up.

We've been going on covert missions every day here. And there is this creepy little cabin thing (the sort of place that looks rather dodgy, as though a murderer might live there) we have to go and stake out in teams. Padfoot is my partner, and we spend eight hours a day just lying there (undercover), looking out for who comes in and out and when. It's tedious and boring and…not fun. The fun lasted until about the second hour. Tell me if this letter is intercepted or not as well. You _never really know_. Oh Merlin, I've been around Moody (CV as we call him, as he's rather fond of shouting Constant Vigilance!) too long. Save me.

Yes, Lily, I've been reading your books. What else am I supposed to do when you spend hours and hours in the bath? A man needs entertaining, and if not you, then I must console myself with (oh Merlin) books. Wouldn't Mooney be proud to see me now? Oh, I love when Minnie (modi-wha?) those robes. So does Paddy. Then you can just stare at the shiny brooch, and you get all entranced by it, and then she still thinks you're paying attention. What do you mean? We were meant to be, love.

I told him. He laughed. Says he's going to steal you away from me, now. I asked him if that would make Remus jealous, and he said no, he would simply have you both. Suspicious…

If having you makes me a wanker then…so be it. I am a gigantic wanker. I told Sirius the rest of what you said, and he says don't worry, you will be his soon enough. Lies, I say, lies and propaganda!!

How should I know? Why are you so interested? First Black, then the owl? Lily…

Yay! You miss me. Wait…I irk you? Oh, you irk me too, sugar. (Insert eyebrow waggle…now)

Good. And what do you mean Remus wasn't there? Where did he go? Ahh… I thought this little snag might come up. I would love to tell you, really, I would, but the knowledge is not mine to share. Well, the knowledge is, just not the fact behind the knowledge. What I'm trying (and failing) to say is that you'll have to ask Mooney yourself. I'm sorry. Really. And yes, love, after you.

Oh God. Those are Padfoot's from ages ago. I meant something else, but as she's already been in my room and hasn't noticed, then I guess I have no worries. No need to look sternly at me, I swear, thoughts of you and your mountains are enough for me. And they are _too_ significant enough. I can hardly get them all in my hands. Importance. This is why I love you. You are my brain.

Conceited much? Everyone does _not_ love you. I know for a fact that when we started dating, Lorraine French (that posh Ravenclaw with the dark eyes) declared her undying hatred for you. Sirius told me so. She might've gotten over it by now. Then again, this is me, so probably not.

See? Again with the smart-ness. _Lumos_ is so perfectly clever; I am employing it now, and look, a whole _three pages so far_. Aren't I amazing? I thought so. Oh, and ha, ha, on the eye thing. I meant his fake one. The one that is not natural. Yes, I am a man. A Manly Man. And you love it you little minx. (Stop glaring.) You sound bitter? Come, come, and tell James what's the matter then. Oh… It's me isn't it? And of course my advice is sound. This is James Potter you write to woman! You know, I'm worried about the number of times you've hinted at getting a new me. This is not feeding my ego. It is hungry.

You had better be safe as well. We don't know if Voldie is still in England and I know he has cronies there. (coughSnapecough) Don't say I didn't say so…

Missing you terribly,

Wishing you were here so I could hold you and touch you and just be near you,

This is ridiculous,

James

P.S. – Fine. Padfoot and I will go wank… Not finishing that sentence. (LILY, THIS IS PADFOOT AGAIN. HE WANTS TO GO WANKING OFF INTO THE SUNSET WITH ME!! HELP!!!!)

P.P.S. – I miss you awfully. I want to come home. Then I can take you to bed, and after awhile, we can sleep. Keep grinning. Love and all that mushy stuff.

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**Author's Note: **WAHH!! I just talked to a friend I haven't heard from in AGES!! Yay. Anyhow, my computer hates my life (too much slash methinks) and so I will not be updating ANYTHING for a bit. I'm taking a break. Much love; cheers!

P.S. – Wow, that only took and hour and a half! And then some for editing and making it better. Now sleep time.


	5. Chapter Four

**Letters**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**Author's Note: **Again with the insomnia. Eurgh. It blows. And alas, I have limited time for this before school. Grr… Any-hooters, here it is, so I hope you like it. Love, cheers!

P.S. – Oh Merlin. Jesus hates me. Sorry I've made you all wait ages, but I had a tonne more of this typed and I LOST IT. It made me too pissed to even look at this for a while. Eh heh…

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Chapter Four 

Dear Jamsie-poo (if you can branch out so can I),

I can't believe you've been gone almost an _entire_ month!! GAH!!

How could you never think the day would come? I thought you had some semblance of brain in that pretty little head of yours. Of course I want you to get ragged on. It will make me smile. And I shan't take it back. Never!! (Oh dear, I sound like you and Sirius now…) What do I want? Well…I don't think it would be entirely appropriate to talk about, especially since Padfoot seems to like reading your letters. (I am glaring at him.) And I would simply Vanish your body. I have a wand for a reason.

How rude. I tell you I think about you and you call me a stalker. Fine. I shall think of you no more… Well that lasted about ten seconds. Months? I surely hope it's not that long. I don't think I can survive on just dreams of what I would like you to do to me. And I agree. That _is_ bollocks. And no, it's not one of those sexy hexes. It's one of those painful ones that make the Cruciatus seem tame. (Kidding of course.) Though you without clothes is amusing too.

Aww, you miss me. I miss you too. Really, seriously, I miss you. It's rubbish and no fun without you here. And you're right, I don't yell nearly enough at you now. Note to self: yell at James as much as possible in future. And it is not _just_ because we are intimate (don't be so crude), it's also because I don't think you're such an arrogant berk anymore. At least I didn't. These letters are converting me back I think… And obviously we haven't lately. Or rather, you haven't. Ha hah!

Are you saying I'm wrinkly? Because…because well that would just be dumb. And I hope you aren't that stupid. But I will smile, because you make me laugh. And I love you. Even when you're being a silly git I love you. Just because _you_ think so, doesn't mean it's true. And memories are easy enough to fake. So…HAH!

Oh, now I can't say. I would hate to have you go on a Murderous Rampage. Then you would be sent away and whom would I have to manipul- I mean…love…yes. But suffice it to say; I know Moody doesn't bat for the other team. Merlin, just because someone is mean to you doesn't mean they're a pouf. And Black _is_ prettier than you. But I still like you. You're rugged and manly, and not quite so delicate as Sirius. Makes me feel all Damsel-in-Distress-y.

I would love to ask Remus, but I still haven't seen him. I'm worried. I think he went on some covert mission for Dumbledore or something, and no one I've talked to has seen him either… Do you think he's okay? Has he written back to either of you yet? And of course my sodomy arguments are convincing! Who do you take me for Potter?

Well, I haven't been spending _nearly_ enough time with you lot lately (as I'm sure I've mentioned), but yes I agree. I should find someone new. Excellent suggestion James. (Kidding darling, only kidding). And of course there are beds in the wilderness. Didn't you know it was a five star hotel complete with maids in skimpy outfits??

You are…deplorable James Potter. I cannot _believe_ you just wrote that. De-plor-a-ble. And I shan't talk dirty to you in these letters. What if you decide to show them to someone or it gets intercepted. Then it would be like me talking dirty to someone else. Do you _want_ other men falling all over me for my sick perverted mind Jams? Oops…James. (I'm laughing my head off here).

Hmm…let's think what you've done. How about, SPENT THE FIRST HALF-DECADE YOU KNEW ME HARASSING ME TO NO END?? Thought so. Now…where was I? Oh yes. Padfoot. Padfoot can kiss my arse (no I take it back, he might actually try), and as I already laughed my head off, there's no need for any messy decapitations.

Yes, Switzerland has mountains and skiing and cheese. But it's Swiss cheese. Don't ask why, I don't know. I wish I were there…or that we were both here, safe and sound. And I never noticed it before, but I spend a _lot_ of time with you. Like, I'm bored out of my skull here at times without you darling. Dreadful… As for Black, tell him to keep his socks on his feet, or they will get cold and have to be lobbed off. And of course he's annoying, he's _your_ best friend!

Well, I must tell you now, you cannot speak to Remus through me. I already went through this, so if you've forgotten already, then go reread it. However, taking it in turns to write to your friends is clever. Then one isn't stuck with the other and you don't have to write a half-dozen letters at a time. So clever you are love.

Ooh! Now _that_ is some news!! Sirius and Remus…together…hmm… I must also look into this further. We shall call it The Mission from here on in. If they are dating and didn't tell me (at least Remus didn't) I shall also be Angry. And we will be Angry together.

You are such a pig-dog at times you know that? Like really. And clearly, you _just_ mentioned it. But I suppose if I'm to live with you, then one of us should be sufficient at cleaning, no? And for the record, I love you…three percent less. Dumbles? Honestly… I'm not even going to bother anymore.

I tell you now; the letter wasn't intercepted. Or maybe it was and the person just _happens_ to be excellent at duplicating my writing and sounding like me. Constant Vigilance, eh? Good motto. Why should I save you? I think Moody rubbing off on you and Black is good for you both. Teach you not to be so cocky. Oh dear, I sounded mean there, didn't I? Apologies then love, apologies.

The house thing does sound dodgy…who has a cabin in the wilderness? No one I know of… Have you and Black tried shadow puppets yet? They are surprisingly amusing to children after all…

You're supposed to look all dashing and debonair for when I get out of the bath. And yes, I think Lupin would be proud. I know I certainly am. But if reading bores you (I cannot believe I just wrote that), then again, try shadow puppets.

I am snorting here, at you. But I agree. The brooch _is_ entrancing. Very. But I'm willing to bet McGonagall just thinks you two are checking her out. I'm willing to be she was a fox in her day… Oh Merlin, look what you've just made me write! Bad James! But we were meant to be. I suppose. And it is adorable you pined after me for ages… Damn, why must you be so far away? I want to hug you now…

He's going to steal me away? Excellent. Is he as good a kisser as I've heard? I must know…if not, then I might just have to keep you James. Have us both? Black would be out of his depth with both Remus and I. What would he do, for instance, if we talked about the fifth century goblin rebellion?

Aww, yes you are. But you're my wanker. (Eurgh, did that go bad in your head too?) Oh I will be Sirius' will I? I'm sorry I belong to no one, yes, no one. Not even you James. I'm just…'with you.' Black…it can never work out between us. And you should know because you use him! He must have a name. Find one out for me. I will pretend you didn't imply I would want to be with an owl over you in return.

Oh, I miss irking you James. Oh Lord, now I've been corrupted haven't I? So this is how you do it…

James…you are being maddening. I _can't_ ask Remus. I haven't seen him! I would, but…alas, I _haven't seen him_. So I'm sure he won't mind if you tell me. Pretty please? With sugar and cherries and…and irking on top?

Why…what have you got in there? Do I need to go back and look for pictures of the illegitimate children you've fathered? (Merlin, I'm kidding, please say no.) And sure the magazines were Black's. Sure. And no more talking of my mountains… You're making me blush. I am your brain am I? Oh dear, what have I been doing all these years? Let's say I am your vocabulary instead. Much better, then I don't have to take credit for all the dumb things you've done.

Lorraine French… Oh! _Her_. She was a bitch anyway, so she can find her own man. Then again it's you, so she's probably moved on. (Kidding, she's just as bitter as ever I bet.) Yes James, you are a Manly Man…who runs away from earthworms. My point exactly. And no calling me a minx. I'm a…a…damn, give me some time and I'll think of something better.

Of course it's you. What other male has driven me to the brink of insanity almost my entire life? But I love you nonetheless. Oh this is James Potter? Oh no, I guess I shouldn't mention that I've met a nice bloke down at the pub then, eh?

Your ego is hungry? Then I shall feed it. You are mine, and I don't need any more. You make my heart stop when you kiss me (which one would think could be potentially life-threatening), you make me laugh until I cry, and you are the best shag I've ever had. Then again, I'm brilliant, so why would I _not_ think of _Lumos_?

Oh, and there it is. Must you be so mean to him? Sure, Sev has made some bad choices, but…he's really not a terrible person James. Really. Voldie? You and your nicknames… I'm sure You-Know-Who loves that one. And I won't say you didn't say so. That would be preposterous. Naturally.

Write me back as soon as possible. I miss you too much.

Lots of love and hugs and kisses,

I can't believe how much I actually miss you,

And it's your fault these are so ridiculous,

Lily

P.S. – James, no wanking off into the sunset with Sirius. Sirius, calm down, we all know you'd enjoy yourself.

P.P.S. – Still smiling, love, and good luck.

---------

**Author's Note: **well there we go, finally done. Sorry about the wait, but…heh, the next one might be just as long in coming. Apologies. That's it, that's all. Cheers lovelies!!


	6. Chapter Five

**Letters**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

**Author's Note: **YAY! Got some time so I'm putting in overtime on this. Muwahahahaha. Maybe I can actually get ahead on my stories a bit…or am I hoping for too much? Anyhow, here it is. Cheers.

PS. - AGAIN, sorry for the long wait. It wasn't on purpose I swear.

XXX

Chapter Five

Dearest and Most Sexy Lily,

I cannot believe this either. It is, as they say, unbelievable. But alas…tis true. And I think I miss you even more than I did almost a month ago. Mostly 'cause it's been a month since I've had _any_ sort of shagging…which is depressing.

I thought it would never come because you are so enraptured by me that it would be impossible for you to even dream of insulting me. Apparently not. (Only kidding, love, only kidding of course.) AHA! So you admit I _am _pretty. YES!! Told you I was pretty. And what's this toss about you wanting me to get ragged on? You are a sadist, and I shan't love you any more! …Damn. That didn't last very long. Then again, I'm sure it opens a whole veritable plethora of kinky bedroom fun. (Insert wink).

Oh, Padfoot's been around the block, I'm sure nothing you could ever say would make him blush. Then again, if it's from you perhaps it might. (He likes to think of you as a completely non-sexual being, so as to avoid thinking of us all hot and sweaty while we shag.) He says he glares back.

And darling, if you Vanished my body, whose would you ravage and plunder at night?

I hope it's not months either. If it is…well, you might just have to keep on dreaming about what I would do to you, love. But I assure you, when I do see you again; you had better be ready, because in my long boring hours, I've been reduced to thinking of new ways to ravage your delightful body.

What were we saying was bollocks? I've honestly forgotten.

Amusing? No, no dear, me naked is the very definition of all that is manliness. I am a stunning, awe-inspiring god when naked. And how could you Cruciatus me? You sadist… Is it weird if that turns me on? Never mind.

How could you yell at me more? All you _do_ is yell at me! Even when we're 'intimate' you yell at me (though I don't mind so much then). YAY ME!! I'm not an arrogant berk and Padfoot still is (right?)!! Pfft, converting you. What is this, some sort of cult into making you think I'm not a berk? (I am shifting my eyes nervous-like now) Because it's not… CHANGE OF SUBJECT!! And honestly darling, you're bruising my manhood with all this talk of other obscure and vaguely shady lovers you have. Tell me honestly I'm the only one you'd let into your heart and your bed… Pretty please?

Never love. I would _never_ call you wrinkly. Unless you really were and I couldn't get it up anymore. But as you aren't and I can, I say to you now, you are not wrinkly love. You hope? You should know by now! I love you too. Even when you boss me around and shout at me I still love you, and it makes me smile even just thinking the words my dear. Memories are _not_ easy to fake! We tried to do it once, Padfoot and me. We failed abysmally and had to spend three weeks scraping the dungeon floors after class. THE MUGGLE WAY!! Padfoot and I shudder just remembering it… (We are currently shuddering, if you can read this shaky handwriting…)

Whom would you have to manipu-love? I haven't the foggiest. And let us pray that you never see me in a Murderous Rampage. Though I'm sure I came pretty close when Snivelly (sorry, _Snape_) tried to kiss you in fourth year. Even though you weren't yet mine, I felt it would have been my duty to save you dearest. (Though I must admit he didn't see the backhand coming, poor sod.) How do you know? For all you know dear, every one who insults me could be a pouf. Padfoot called me a git today, and we both know he's having hi steaming affair with Mooney.

YAY! (Did that come off as overly girly? It was a manly, rugged yay, I promise.) So Black is the pretty one and I'm the manly one? I can live with that I suppose. You as my Damsel in Distress (or out of that dress as it were) is a helluva thought. Padfoot disagrees with you. He says he would sweep you off your feet, and then he grinned like the lecher he is. Ignore him, that's how the rest of us get by.

You haven't seen Remus?? Hmm…secret mission for Dumbles, eh? Sounds plausible… We got one letter from Remus, a reply to the first one, but as of yet, we haven't had any more news… But I'm sure Remus is fine. Really. I mean, come on, he's Remus, he would find a way to send word if he was in trouble. And do I want to know why your sodomy arguments are convincing, or shall we keep a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with that one?

No you haven't been spending enough time with me of late. In fact, I think I may just never leave you in peace again when I get home. (Inserting cheeky grin). Well I have yet to see any maids in skimpy costumes, but yesterday Padfoot did bring me soup wearing only his underwear… Does this count?

What's deplorable mean? I hope it's synonymous with 'sexy' or 'great-in-bed' or 'has-the-biggest-wanker-ever'. And why won't you talk dirty to me? How am I supposed to get through the cold Switzerland nights if your letters fail to make my glasses fog? And I would Charm the parchment so only I could read the sexy parts if I decided to share these letters. Which I don't. And Padfoot doesn't count, as he reads over my shoulder and…well it's _Padfoot_. And men don't fall all over you for your sick twisted gutter-mind. They do it for your amazing arse and stay for the perverted gutter-mind.

Jams. Hilarious. You realize now that this is just another chance for Sirius to take the mickey from me? Don't you? AHH!! How are you still writing if you're headless? And incidentally, is it possible to have sex with a ghost?

Lily, Lily, Lily…we both know you enjoyed it as much as I did. Wow, you really stuck to that resolution to yell at me more didn't you? And good call on the whole, not letting Padfoot near your arse. I would hate to have him spoil it for me… (I am laughing at how you actually managed to think of a way to get out of decapitation).

Swiss? What the bloody hell were the Muggles on when they decided that? Preposterous says I!! Aww, of course you are. But don't worry I'll be back and then after a few days you'll be wishing I went away again. But I miss you too love. Like I honestly have trouble finding words to describe how much I really want to just hold you and kiss you and be with you. I do declare that I shall never leave you again.

I told Sirius what you said about socks and he promptly put every single pair he brought with him on. Even the dirty ones. Lovely. And what does him being my best mate have to do with – ohh… Very funny Lily (not).

I never would have deuced that from just reading that you cannot, in fact, talk to him. Never. What are we talking about? Oh yes, Remus and how you can't pass messages to him. It was my idea, the clever bit. Really.

LILY, THIS IS PADFOOT. HE LIES!! IT IS MY BRILLIANCE HE IS TRYING TO USURP!!

(It really was me Lily). You believe me, right? OF course you do. And yes, I did it so that neither peter nor Remus had to get stuck with Paddy writing them. His spelling is terrible (even though he says 'is not') and his writing is atrocious and I'm just all around a bajillion times better. Oh how I love it when you call me clever. Like the time you said letting you be on top was clever. Oh the memories…

The Mission. All right, works for me. Speaking of The Mission, I tried to get some news out of Padfoot the other day while we were surveying the boring shack of nothingness in which no one lives and is therefore redundant to survey, on the subject, and he told me to sod off. Peculiar, methinks. Maybe it's because I asked him if he and Mooney were having a good time shagging, but then again…one would expect him to go on with horridly-false details or something, no? I shall also do some more poking around. And why the deuce would Remus tell _you_ if he and Pads were doing the horizontal mambo? (Not that you aren't worth telling of course).

What is a pig-dog? Is it like one of those weird Muggle things, like a vacuum or whatever the magical dirt-sucker is? See; we are a match made in the home cleaning aisle of Wal-Mart. And three percent less? Oh dear. How might one go about making up that three percent? Can I tell you how gorgeous I think you are? 'Cause I do…think you're gorgeous. (Smiling winningly here). Aha! I knew I could wear you down. Besides, Dumbles sounds cute, like what you might name a baby Niffler or something…

Gasp and horror!! Whoever you are, how _dare_ you read my letters!! Give them to Lily at once!

Good motto? _Good motto_? I'm sorry love, but I fear you may be wrong for once. If you had to constantly vigil something REALLY boring, you might say different, and since I would never wish that on you, I will forgive you. And I'm sorry but I don't want Moody rubbing ANYTHING on me, especially if it makes me less cocky. Besides, I know you love me in my abundantly cocky state as is. (Wink). And yes, you were mean. I am pouting and refuse to accept your apologies. Unless you offer them topless, then I'll think about it.

EXACTLY! I do declare that it is dodge central. And really, _really_ messy form what I can see of it. Eww. And yes, we tried shadow puppets. They _are_ amusing…

Oh, I thought I was supposed to look all aroused and hot and/or bothered when you get out of the tub… (Isn't that how it usually works for us?) Aww yay! You're proud of me!! I win, and Remus owes me five galleons. If you see him tell him this. (Just re-read what I wrote, never mind). And yay again for shadow puppets. Sirius does this really amazing dragon, and it blows smoke and stuff; though he has to Transfigure himself a whole load of extra fingers to do it and his hands look all creepy.

Snorting? Snorting what exactly? How un-lady-like. (Aha, joke). Man, you need to get a brooch like that Lils and send it to me. It would provide HOURS of enjoyment…even just thinking about it is fun… And all the better if Minnie thinks we're checking her out. I know she wanted us when we were in Hogwarts, and, forgive me, but if not for you dearest, I might just have taken up her silent offer. Note to self; discuss this with Padfoot next surveying shift. I am bad (and smirking). Maybe you should send me to your room to punish me? Oh I hope so… I've told you, meant to be. Written in the stars, as it were. And I didn't _pine_. This is impossible for the manly rugged James to do. I want to hug you too darling. And much, much more…

Sirius is laughing in glee. What a ponce. And according to him, he's a much more accomplished kisser, but I say this is just because he's a gigantic man-whore and has had more practice. And I second the motion to keep me around. If you and Sirius and Remus got together I might just die. (Yes, DIE).

LILY, THIS IS SIRIUS AGAIN. JAMES REFUSES TO WRITE WHAT I TOLD HIM, SO I WILL WRITE IT MYSELF. IF YOU AND MOONEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT BORING STUFF I WOULD SIMPLY KISS ONE OF YOU TO SHUT YOU UP AND THE OTHER WOULD BE SO INCREDIBLY AROUSED, WE WOULD BE FORCED TO HAVE A THREESOME. WHAT DO YOU SAY LOVE? THINK ABOUT IT. LOVE YOUR-POTENTIAL-LOVER, SIRIUS.

He's mentally unstable. Please don't encourage him.

Yes, that went _really_ bad in my head. The thought of you with a wanker is (no offence) highly disturbing love. I like you as the sexy woman you were meant to be, thanks. Hah! Yes you will never be Sirius'! Wait, you're not mine either? Hmm…I must remedy this… Oh and apparently the owl is named Aphrodite (so he's either _really_ pouf-y or a girl).

I am grinning. And yes, that's how we do it. Welcome to the dark side, dearest.

I really am sorry darling, and even though I love cherries and sugar and irking (in that order, least to most) I cannot tell you. I feel horrible about it, but it's not my place, or Sirius' or Peter's (and I don't think they would tell you anyway). Please, let's move onto something else. I will tell you the nanosecond I hear Remus say it's all right.

No, no. No pictures of the illegitimate children I've fathered (there's only Pablo and Jeanette. Nothing to worry about (kidding)). They were! Ask him yourself!! Great, now he's denying it… And why can't I talk about them; I love your mountains…and you look sexy when you blush. Low blow on the brain thing and I will speak of you being my brain NO MORE!! Vocabulary…ehh it works for me. And what do you mean by 'dumb things'? Everything I have ever done is either noble or stupendous or hilarious. There was no stupidity involved (unless you count the times Padfoot was with me, in which case then, yes, there was).

OH MY GOD!! Lily Evans, Prefect Extraordinaire, just called someone a _BITCH_?? Quick, say something that makes sense!! James is brilliant. Okay… Darling my world just almost imploded there. But you're entirely right; she was a bit of a bitch, wasn't she? And of COURSE she's bitter. She's bitterer than McGoogly on her monthlies I'll wager… Which is saying something. I don't RUN AWAY from earthworms, I just refuse to be within a hundred feet of one and if that entails having to run to get away, then so what?

Muwahaha…I've stumped Lily Evans! With words no less. I AM UNDISPUTEDLY THE ULTIMATE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE!! And thus I do declare, you, sweets, are a minx. A hot one no less. (Grinning here).

Pfft, I think you're being a smidge melodramatic love. I haven't driven you _nearly_ as mad as I could have for the large portion of your life you've known and loved me. Trust me. Look at Remus…he's had to deal with me AND Paddy for even longer. I don't hear him complaining. The bloke from the pub eh? Funny, as I know you _hate_ the pub, so how would you have met him, hmm? LIAR!!

My ego is well fed now, thank you love. But wait…am I also not the _only_ shag you've ever had? And yes, you are brilliant. And sexy. And incredibly good in bed, and out of bed, and any other place you've persuaded me to ravage and plunder your innocence. (Aha, Sirius looks like he's afraid to come to the flat anymore).

Lily, you don't really understand, and it's hard for me to get you to understand… I mean he's Snape. _Snape_. And I don't care if he's made bad choices. So have a lot of other people; that's no excuse for joining You-Know-Who. (And I know he has, so don't try to tell me otherwise). And yes, I must be mean to him. He deserves it. But let's talk no more of him. I've wasted enough effort on it as is, as have you. Me and my nicknames indeed. Actually, Remus came up with that one AGES ago, I just stole it…and you're right. He does love it. He told me so last week in fact.

And of course! Preposterous. …What are we talking about?

I'm writing you back right now, so no worries. And I miss you too darling. More than I thought I ever would.

Love, hugs, kisses and irking (or memories of it anyway),

I know it's my fault, but you still love me for them,

James.

PS. – I am laughing my arse off, and I promise not to go wanking off into any sunsets. Padfoot says he'd enjoy it more with you. Shall I kill him now, or later?

PPS. – Good.

PPPS. – I know this is probably the worst way to ask you this, but I have to, because I realized how much I love you, and I don't want to ever live without you again. Lily, will you marry me?

XXX

**Author's Note:** (ducks sharp objects thrown at her) I'M SORRY FOR THE HUGELY LONG WAIT!! I have like…4 on-going things at the moment, and only one wants to be written, but I got this out for you all. So…yeah. ENJOY!! Cheers.


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